Hey, Charlize. How you doin’?

I read an interesting story today as I perused the interwebs for stories that didn’t want to make me move to Wales.

The story was on People’s website and referenced a discussion with Charlize Theron where she, basically, emasculated the entire male population of Earth for not having the nerve to ask out an Oscar-winning movie star.

Now, before you get too upset about my characterization of her comments, she literally said, “Somebody just needs to grow a pair and step up.” Assuming she was referring to balls, rather than some other growable item, that is literally verbal emasculation. But I digress.

This struck me as an interesting concept (ya know, as a dating “expert” and all) for a number of reasons. First, let’s say I was interested in asking Charlize Theron out on a date (Charlize, if you’re out there reading this, drop me a line), how in the hell am I supposed to even do it? I’m a decent guy and, if we were to go out on a date, it would be to actually get to know another human to see if we clicked, not to cross “go on a date with a movie star” off of some bucket list.

I mean, seriously, I currently live in Michigan and she lives in… I dunno, some place other than Michigan? Whatever planet movie stars live in, I guess? Right, California. Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to get into line behind her at my regular Starbucks (ask me to tell you my Drew Barrymore near-miss story sometime), so it’s not like I’m going to have the opportunity to ask her out, balls or not.

Following this line of thought, though, let’s assume I really wanted to ask her out. I mean, I am going to California next month, so I guess a date is not completely out of the realm of possibility. So how would I go about doing it?

I could send her a message on Facebook or Instagram? You know, the accounts that she has her “people” check anyway and is probably full of marriage proposals and dick pics galore. A sincere guy like me would look no different from the guy who dressed his Johnson up like Abraham Lincoln (yes, that is really a thing) and sent it to her.

I suppose I could contact her representatives to ask them to pass along a date request from me. After they finished laughing at me, I could go back to me regular life in the real world.

My point is this: Charlize, you are not a normal woman. I mean, you are. You’re just a regular human doing your thing, of course. But your fame puts you in a different world from us mere mortals. By necessity, you have to be wary of crazy fans and stalkers or of people who just want to associate with fame. Particularly since you have kids. I would suspect that, without even realizing it, you have grown completely accustomed to the level of caution you have to employ every day. But, whether you realize it or not, it affects your social interactions. That alone makes it nearly impossible for most men to ask you out.

I mean, just look at the list of relationships you have been in (or been rumored to have been in) from that story. They are fellow actors you have worked with in the past. Nothing wrong with that, but they do have a level of social access to you that most people do not. They are in the same boat as you, fame-wise, and they get to interact with you every day.

A guy like me’s got no shot!

Now I know this post is reading like a plea to Charlize Theron for a date and you’re all wondering what this has to do with your dating life. Well, I posted this article on my Facebook and it prompted a comment from a dear friend whose friendship I value immensely.

Basically, it had to do with the way guys approach “regular” girls and it suggested that guys should just say how they feel and cut the bullshit (I’m paraphrasing).

Here’s the problem, though. Asking someone out is tough! It’s like running a race with randomly-spaced hurdles while blindfolded.

Some women want a guy to be aggressive, some want a guy to take their time and not be pushy. Some women want guys who are funny, while some want one who is serious. Everyone wants something different and there is no way for a guy to know what a woman will respond to until he crashes and burns.

On top of that, what people let themselves grow accustomed to in relationships is a far cry from what they expect in a courtship.

Yes, I said courtship.

If you ask me, it’s all silly anyway. Dating is kind of like politics. People say what they’ve gotta say to get the job, then they do what they were going to do anyway. When they’re up for reelection, we can look at the job they’ve done and hold them accountable, but then they’re back to making promises they may have no intention of keeping.

My attitude has always been to just be myself. I’m not going to tell you about all the wonderful things we’re going to do, then sit at home every weekend binging Netflix (unless that’s one of the things I told you we would do, of course). I’m not going to set expectations, I’m just going to deliver results. If you like those results, then we’re good. If you don’t, no worries. It just means we’re incompatible. We can still be friends.

Regardless of how I choose to handle my dating life, though, the system is rigged. It’s set up so that you have to play games to some extent. Granted, some are worse than others, but we all have to play them. I like to think we’re all just doing the best job we know how to do, but maybe I’m an idealist.

I do think this, though. Regardless of what approach you take in your romantic interactions, it reflects the type of person you are. If you don’t like your results, maybe take a little time to think about how that reflects upon you. But don’t blame someone else because they didn’t approach you the way they wanted you to. It’s not only not their fault for not being able to read your mind, but it’s probably a good thing anyway. That person probably wasn’t the type of person you wanted to date anyway.

As for me and Charlize, I’m sure she’s a fantastic person, but I just don’t see it working out because of the distance. I’m sure she’s all broken up about it, but I know she will be alright in the end. Life goes on, Char.

Having said that, I’m still willing to meet up for a drink next month when I’m in Cali.

Have your people call mine…

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